What started as dramatic mood swings and fits of rage in College turned into suicidal idealizations, penning notes, creating plans but, never being able to follow through in the end. It was never about wanting to die, it was just not wanting to exist in a numb painful misery.
Mental health struggles have been at the forefront of my life experience since I was a young girl. I grew up around my father, who was one of the most lovable, charismatic and excitable human beings. Regardless of how he came across to others, he struggled immensely on and off with depression throughout his entire adult life.
You're so happy.' I'd hear all the time, from friends, family, strangers. I was taught early on that in order to be liked by others, I had to be likeable. When I was bullied as a kid into a near suicide attempt, when I lost my job and cancer took my mom too early, I smiled - nobody likes a negative person.
I struggled with anxiety and depression ever since I was a little child. I was very different from everyone else and very shy. This persisted into adulthood, and started to affect my goals, dreams, and relationships. About 7 years ago, it reached its peak, where I barely left the house and did not even want to go to the store to buy anything over fear of counting change or using the debit machine.