Heart pounding, palms sweating, mind racing. Questioning placement of hands, what my body language is giving off, where my gaze should be, how close my feet should be to one another. Why do my limbs feel so awkward, so heavy, so foreign? Unsure of what to say, afraid to be too chatty or not chatty enough.
My whole life, I've always felt like an impostor. I was never good enough - not smart enough, pretty enough and certainly not skinny enough I started dieting when I was around 8 years old. Counting calories, restricting, binge and purge - then starting the cycle again. When I was 14 I finally saw a nutritionist to help me learn to eat healthy.
It all started when I had an existential thought one morning which made me go into a mental “swirl” I guess you could say. I lost 8 pounds in one week, couldn’t stop moving, had to go on medications, a lot of diagnosis such as bipolar, manic, severe depression, anxiety, were being tossed around.
Over the last couple years, I’ve struggled with mental health and addiction issues, in particular, crystal meth. My experience isn’t unique. While fentanyl dominates the media discourse, meth-related overdose deaths increased 3.6-fold over 5 years to 2016 in the US. In Ontario from 2016 to 2017, there was a 22% increase in meth-related deaths.