I used to think depression was this thing for the sad and lonely. I used to think it was something people were just born with. I used to think it was something that came with automatic tears- happiness sold separately. I used to think I was too strong to be depressed. That it was something that had to be shown. Visible to believable.
Personally, I had no idea what I was going through when it started within me. And that’s when reality hit me: you never really know what someone is going through, by simply looking at them or speaking to them. Subliminal messages lie both above and beneath the surface. As humans, we’ve become masters of disguising. It took me awhile to finally feel free within this thing that they call an “invisible illness or dis-ease”.
A traumatic experience of sudden illness at age 30 struck me, making it hard to believe that my armored soul was under siege. My life turned upside down, relationship lost, 2 years of sick leave. Moving back in in with my parents (temporary loss of independence, baby). Somehow, someway I made it to the top, to the shore where I was finally able to breathe. I fought against the voices who once told me I could take dips in frigid lakes, walk on water like JC. Or be like a bird; soar from high heights and fly free. These particular incidents I’ve never shared; they lay hidden within me.
All I had and have to do is breathe and remember that what’s going on inside of me may be difficult to comprehend or see, but it doesn’t define me.
I am strength just as much as I am my vulnerabilities. I am love just as much as I am flawed. My soul is a stir fry of confidence and insecurities. Depression is the effect but my happiness will always take the lead. Next time you look at me or any of we, listen closely as our hearts speak. One day we’ll crack the code to this mental “invisibility”.