Posted on 09 September 2019
Heart pounding, palms sweating, mind racing. Questioning placement of hands, what my body language is giving off, where my gaze should be, how close my feet should be to one another. Why do my limbs feel so awkward, so heavy, so foreign? Unsure of what to say, afraid to be too chatty or not chatty enough. Looking around it seems effortless for some; casual small-chat oozing from their mouths, an ease to their energy that has me yearning for a small glimpse into what that might feel like. This is my reality at times. When I am in work-mode, these insecurities and uncontrollable thought-processes fall by the way side, my focus providing me with a shield of armour against myself. But when the cameras stop rolling, the eyelashes come off and I return to being the girl in glasses (who a few years ago was knee-deep in science textbooks and the quiet libraries my second home) the thoughts are no longer controlled and there are days when I feel stuck in a spiral of self-doubt. More often than not this occurs at events where I find myself counting down the minutes until I hit the 60min mark and can head home feeling accomplished that I stuck it out and didn't let the spiral consume me. Occasionally, these moments happen when I’m on set, with the lights blaring, cameras blinking with their red lights indicating “go time” and a crew waiting to roll and knock off items on a production sheet – these are the hardest times to deal with anxiety. With so many people and so much attention, my quivering hands and sweaty brow feel on display and the tears start to well up with so much heat it feels like the sun is shining directly into them. With time, I’ve learned that it is okay not to be okay, and not being okay might mean asking for a 2minute bathroom break which allows me a little bit of solitude to stand in the stall, breathe deeply, and stand tall with my head held high. If it’s a good day, the tactic works. If it’s not, I fake it till I make it. In my day to day, surrounding myself with positive energy and living a @healthyishot lifestyle of healthy eating and working out are instrumental in coping with anxiety.