Mental health struggles have been at the forefront of my life experience since I was a young girl. I grew up around my father, who was one of the most lovable, charismatic and excitable human beings. Regardless of how he came across to others, he struggled immensely on and off with depression throughout his entire adult life.
You're so happy.' I'd hear all the time, from friends, family, strangers. I was taught early on that in order to be liked by others, I had to be likeable. When I was bullied as a kid into a near suicide attempt, when I lost my job and cancer took my mom too early, I smiled - nobody likes a negative person.
I struggled with anxiety and depression ever since I was a little child. I was very different from everyone else and very shy. This persisted into adulthood, and started to affect my goals, dreams, and relationships. About 7 years ago, it reached its peak, where I barely left the house and did not even want to go to the store to buy anything over fear of counting change or using the debit machine.
Heart pounding, palms sweating, mind racing. Questioning placement of hands, what my body language is giving off, where my gaze should be, how close my feet should be to one another. Why do my limbs feel so awkward, so heavy, so foreign? Unsure of what to say, afraid to be too chatty or not chatty enough.
My whole life, I've always felt like an impostor. I was never good enough - not smart enough, pretty enough and certainly not skinny enough I started dieting when I was around 8 years old. Counting calories, restricting, binge and purge - then starting the cycle again. When I was 14 I finally saw a nutritionist to help me learn to eat healthy.
It all started when I had an existential thought one morning which made me go into a mental “swirl” I guess you could say. I lost 8 pounds in one week, couldn’t stop moving, had to go on medications, a lot of diagnosis such as bipolar, manic, severe depression, anxiety, were being tossed around.
Over the last couple years, I’ve struggled with mental health and addiction issues, in particular, crystal meth. My experience isn’t unique. While fentanyl dominates the media discourse, meth-related overdose deaths increased 3.6-fold over 5 years to 2016 in the US. In Ontario from 2016 to 2017, there was a 22% increase in meth-related deaths.
I suffer from generalized anxiety panic disorder. I have taken medication for it off and on since I was 10 years old. Just like diabetes, arthritis, and illnesses I battle with it every day. Some days are totally great and others are so bad I just want the day to end in hopes I wake up the next day without feeling so scared.
My anxiety has been around for as long as I can remember. My depression started to appear around the age of fourteen. School was extremely tough for me. I never really felt like I fit in which made my depression worse. I consistently felt homesick even when I was at home.
Mental health has been a huge struggle for me. From constant anxiety to depression… I have suffered from mental illness for the past three years (since I was 12). I was on heavy medication to manage my medical issues and the meds first put me into a depression.
Before I was 30 I had wanted to kill myself. After I had met my rock bottom– following cancer treatments, facial disfigurement, and a failed marriage—I was told by my father that I had no more excuses, nothing left to fear.
